Growth?

This year has sucked. I guess a more positive way to put it would be that it is a year of growth. It has been an emotional year that I can only hope has catapulted me into creating my own life that will make me more fulfilled and more of the person I know i can be and want to be. 2 friends of mine lost their lives this year, I have lost 2 more to who knows why... but it's still a mourning process. I have gotten out of a 3 year co-dependent relationship and have learned to live and love living alone. My nephew whom I'm very close to has joined the Marines and is off living his dream, very far away from home. I have had more health problems this year than I ever have. My best friend moved across the country yesterday. Despite the incredible loss I've felt lately, it doesn't make me seek companionship with others, it is doing the opposite and I continue to be ok with that. I feel like I am trapped in a life that is not mine. It's a life I don't want to keep living. I have plans. I have goals. I feel beaten down and the only reason I'm not completely down is because of that awesome kid of mine that keeps my head on straight (or is straight as I can get)

Steady Slipping

This is a poem I ran across that I wrote when I was 19. I remember it vividly, cause I wrote it in my head and I was on my way to my now husband's house and when I got there I ran in and grabbed a pen before I forgot it.

Steady Slipping

Beautiful day.
Fading lights flicker in the distance.
With this long road ahead, I know there's more for my eyes to see.
Feeling blinded, feeling cold, it's all an instant to me.
Nothing ever lasts, nothing stays the way it ought to.
Once it is smooth, it gets bumpy.
Once it is right, it goes wrong.
This is the only consistency to life.
Time slips when you don't want it to.
It's cruel, but not unusual.
You are stuck and have no choice, but you know that.
What a beautiful day.

© Stacey LeAnne Nutt

this is water

i have listened to something that hit home with me. Finally something that REALLY did. what's funny is all these stupid self help cds that i've been told i should listen to... i just haven't. However, i was referred by my boss and very good friend that i should listen to this 2 part speech by David Foster Wallace and it was phenomenal & also only about 20 min. all together. It's all the things that I'm TOO aware of, but don't do anything about. It's a good way to think. It's THE way to think actually. You have a choice, it takes hard work to try and delve away from the default setting that you've had your entire life. I think it's worth it.

so what

Sitting here thinking of what could have been
i know now there was no other way
would i have made that same decision you ask?
most definitely. run not walk.
in my mind, the only way.
couldn't have been avoided.
life is passing...
all the plans and hopes and dreams you had as a child
still swirling in your head, still reminding you
reminding you of the person you thought you'd be
thought you could be
wanted to be.
You giggle thinking about the plans you once had
a lot of them are no more. no more an option
or no more interesting for this person you are in this very instant
you could do better
you could be better
if you want it.



now if i can just put this plan to action.

getting it

As you get older and look back on the things in your life that were always a "staple" of your world, you generally see these things as you did when you were first exposed to them and never go back to think about it. i'm vague. this could be childhood memories, but in this case i'm specifically talking about songs. growing up listening to oldies, lite rock and classic rock, i would sing the lyrics, or at least the hook, but never really tried to get what they were saying. sometimes the lyrics themselves would be vague, but if you're going through a time in your life where those vague lyrics actually fit, it's like an "ah ha!" moment. The songs you've known your whole life that you thought you knew has a whole new meaning. one that actually makes sense. and who knows, one day the new meaning you've found that you know to be true may change again.

This could definitely relate to people as well. think about it. those people you've known your whole life, they aren't the same anymore. but at the time you think things will always be that way. how could it not be? you can't fathom it. you hang out with your friends every day. ride your bikes, go carts, start driving, going to the movies, being crazy wild teens... you don't really think about it being any different. you don't think about it until something happens to make you think about it. whether it be subtle, like seeing a young mom with a kid, or not so subtle, as in you're that young mom who had the kid. whatever it is, just because it wasn't what you thought it would be, doesn't mean it's bad. everyone is ever changing. every day. being more aware of the staples in your life and questioning the things and the people that you automatically assume you know makes you more appreciative, because now you do 'get it'.

time heals as it should

When things get real low you think it'll never change. There are certain points where you just can't see the end of the tunnel. it's overwhelming. The cliche' when people say "time heals everything" makes me so mad when i'm going through something that actually needs time to make things better. But as that time is passing i realize its the only medicine for a sick heart. it doesn't heal it. it's like mono, you always have it, but it's in hibernation mode.

I think about time a lot. How many years til Kaylin's 18, when will i finish my degree, how much longer before i have my own house with a yard so kaylin can go outside by herself, can get a dog, blah blah blah... well none of that matters if you aren't here. i realize it's ok to plan things out, but you can't force them to happen. you can't use all your energy on setting up how things should be when you should be concentrating on the here and now and how you can make yourself and those around you better. better in any way.

I lost a friend this weekend. She taught me that patience really is a virtue. Sit in silence, be quiet, be still, listen to YOU and block out all outside influence. It's difficult to do that. especially for someone like me. she was a confidant and true friend, and way too young to leave this earth. but "it was her time" so 'they' say... that's what people say when someone dies.... it was their time... time. goes so fast even as you are thinking it's going so slow. it can be gone in a blink without warning. it's something to respect.

kaylin told me today that when i'm 102 she'll take care of me. i told her it's a possibility. she said "well yea!!" i can't wait to watch her grow and see how much she's going to learn about this world and the people in it.

Things I've learned as of late, if you surround yourself with your family, with good people, the rest will take care of itself.

Music & Humor

Music is one of those things that I can always count on. It won't tell you you're wrong, it comforts you through bad times, it relates to your angst, your depth of emotion and your own rage... it lets you know there are actually good times, even though they aren't here now, it's possible it can happen, unless you get hit by a low flying unicorn that spears you to the after life first,... then you're screwed, but that's a little bit of where the humor comes in.

I know a lot of you think you can count on certain people regardless of what happens, I can tell you for a fact that isn't true. You really shouldn't put yourself in a vulnerable position, even if it's someone you love, trust, and know that anything you confide will be understood, even if it's not accepted.

Friends will come, Friends will go, true friends always find a way. always. True friends, true love, REAL love, will never toss you to the side until things are supposed to be right. If it's true, it will hash out until it is right. Especially when it is something you wholeheartedly know in the very being of your soul, that it can work, you're willing, they aren't able... my first thought is to shut down, run, hide, and say "fuck them for doing this". You have to remember though, maybe they aren't capable of the type of feelings you are. and in that case, I also say Fuck em'. Even if all I really want to do is hold on tight and fight for the both of us, since they can't. That's what friends do, fight for you when you're unable, and vice versa. I don't think I've ever really had that, but I imagine it's pretty amazing.

Music is the only consistent love of my life. I have no real home anymore. Home is where your heart is. My heart doesn't dwell anywhere. Maybe it can one day. It can't now.




Humor however, no matter how sadistic of a person I am, can brighten my day, even if it's a very fleeting moment. Even when I'm as low as possible, or watching my life fall apart in front of me, it's really quite amusing. It's typical. Don't know how I can be surprised about it, but I always am and it's funny. I'm standing there watching the destruction that was caused by my own actions and there is nothing I can do about it. What a riot. I realize what I want and need in life, and then I am given no choice. I think it's in a way fucking funny and also incredibly heart breaking.

Play your music loud. Get caught up in it. Relate to the artist. Scream, yell, shout, dance, and cry. (There is NOTHING wrong with crying no matter what people want to tell themselves. It's a true measure of human emotion and it can be good)
and don't forget to laugh at the things falling apart around you. Of course, people may think you're crazy for doing so, but what do people know anyway...