time heals as it should

When things get real low you think it'll never change. There are certain points where you just can't see the end of the tunnel. it's overwhelming. The cliche' when people say "time heals everything" makes me so mad when i'm going through something that actually needs time to make things better. But as that time is passing i realize its the only medicine for a sick heart. it doesn't heal it. it's like mono, you always have it, but it's in hibernation mode.

I think about time a lot. How many years til Kaylin's 18, when will i finish my degree, how much longer before i have my own house with a yard so kaylin can go outside by herself, can get a dog, blah blah blah... well none of that matters if you aren't here. i realize it's ok to plan things out, but you can't force them to happen. you can't use all your energy on setting up how things should be when you should be concentrating on the here and now and how you can make yourself and those around you better. better in any way.

I lost a friend this weekend. She taught me that patience really is a virtue. Sit in silence, be quiet, be still, listen to YOU and block out all outside influence. It's difficult to do that. especially for someone like me. she was a confidant and true friend, and way too young to leave this earth. but "it was her time" so 'they' say... that's what people say when someone dies.... it was their time... time. goes so fast even as you are thinking it's going so slow. it can be gone in a blink without warning. it's something to respect.

kaylin told me today that when i'm 102 she'll take care of me. i told her it's a possibility. she said "well yea!!" i can't wait to watch her grow and see how much she's going to learn about this world and the people in it.

Things I've learned as of late, if you surround yourself with your family, with good people, the rest will take care of itself.

Obviousness

Sometimes you think you have it made... that feeling where every planet seems to perfectly align and you say to yourself... "Self... things are as they should be. Everything is right with the world...finally". You know what though? as soon as you do that, that everything you wished and thought WAS, is no longer... It was really all an illusion in the first place. Sometimes you want something so much that you make it seem it is so. I know. I do these things. I thought I had it ...that "thing" that most people lived their whole lives and never had. never felt. Guess what? Shocker. I was fooling myself. It's not original. it's just like everything else. it's a copy. it's something that already was and it's something that will always be for as long as there are people. I don't know if it's a part of growing up, or if it's a part of me dying. Regardless it is a part, and that's why I'm writing about it. You can't always be perfect. It's a shame that one thing, one thing that you can screw royally up on will define other parts of your life forever. what a shame that is huh? I mean, really? Is that fair? I don't think so. I have this tendency to listen to people and unfortunately if i truly care about them and they say something that makes me less than comfortable, i remember it. Not just remember, but it sticks with me. I wish it didn't. that weight sucks. So much so that throughout the past 8 years I have learned to do something that has caught up with me. I have learned to tune things out to the point of total apathy. I was telling this to a friend the other day... . I was saying that i grow apathetic about others' feelings to the point that when I hear something from a friend or loved one that is completely from left field and could be a devastating factor in their life, I don't feel much. why is that you ask? because i have felt so much in the past that I just have learned to be selfish I guess you could say. It never did me any good in the past. It always was unrecognized. I care, but I don't know how to empathize. Unless there is something in my life, which there are, that hit really close to home, that I can sympathize with a person about... a sick parent, someone who is split up from a spouse, an addict that wants to change but doesn't know how to begin... all close to home here. Like I said. I'm not perfect. thing is, i never will be. But really i just care about my surroundings. I still do what I can for others. I cook meals for friends that don't have time, I send messages to friends in need, I write family members that I've met only two or three times cause I really want to know how they are. I do my best for my family to show that I'm a 'team player', I try to show people that i care about more than my own life that i want to take care of them... i have tried... but that one thing. THAT ONE THING stands in the way. How unfortunate your life can be built around it. Your dad isn't happy with you because you still hang out with people from your teenage years that he never approved of. Your spouse isn't happy because you don't know how to be complacent in your life to overlook that you're going to end up being 64 and upset that you never were truly happy..., your friend isn't happy because you care too much, and when you don't care enough you aren't a friend at all. I think I find someone different... Someone that won't judge, which is something that i feel is important. to have an open mind is a beautiful thing. The world would be better off if everyone had a true open mind. You think your friends don't judge you? Please don't fool yourself. They judge you plenty. Don't get me wrong though. they ACCEPT you... but they judge you. Just like they judge themselves. People call themselves out all the time. Feel what they feel, Do what they do, Call themselves out, and do it anyway. Who are they to judge anyone? who are they to not?