Music & Humor

Music is one of those things that I can always count on. It won't tell you you're wrong, it comforts you through bad times, it relates to your angst, your depth of emotion and your own rage... it lets you know there are actually good times, even though they aren't here now, it's possible it can happen, unless you get hit by a low flying unicorn that spears you to the after life first,... then you're screwed, but that's a little bit of where the humor comes in.

I know a lot of you think you can count on certain people regardless of what happens, I can tell you for a fact that isn't true. You really shouldn't put yourself in a vulnerable position, even if it's someone you love, trust, and know that anything you confide will be understood, even if it's not accepted.

Friends will come, Friends will go, true friends always find a way. always. True friends, true love, REAL love, will never toss you to the side until things are supposed to be right. If it's true, it will hash out until it is right. Especially when it is something you wholeheartedly know in the very being of your soul, that it can work, you're willing, they aren't able... my first thought is to shut down, run, hide, and say "fuck them for doing this". You have to remember though, maybe they aren't capable of the type of feelings you are. and in that case, I also say Fuck em'. Even if all I really want to do is hold on tight and fight for the both of us, since they can't. That's what friends do, fight for you when you're unable, and vice versa. I don't think I've ever really had that, but I imagine it's pretty amazing.

Music is the only consistent love of my life. I have no real home anymore. Home is where your heart is. My heart doesn't dwell anywhere. Maybe it can one day. It can't now.




Humor however, no matter how sadistic of a person I am, can brighten my day, even if it's a very fleeting moment. Even when I'm as low as possible, or watching my life fall apart in front of me, it's really quite amusing. It's typical. Don't know how I can be surprised about it, but I always am and it's funny. I'm standing there watching the destruction that was caused by my own actions and there is nothing I can do about it. What a riot. I realize what I want and need in life, and then I am given no choice. I think it's in a way fucking funny and also incredibly heart breaking.

Play your music loud. Get caught up in it. Relate to the artist. Scream, yell, shout, dance, and cry. (There is NOTHING wrong with crying no matter what people want to tell themselves. It's a true measure of human emotion and it can be good)
and don't forget to laugh at the things falling apart around you. Of course, people may think you're crazy for doing so, but what do people know anyway...

Just a Ride

It's hard not to take life so seriously sometimes. There is that healthy medium that you're supposed to find between being apathetic and stressing about everything under the sun. So, where is the healthy medium and how do you control it?

I like Bill Hicks' concept of life being a ride. Twists and turns, thrills and chills, brightly colored, and loud. It's just a ride.

You choose your own path. You can change your life completely by making choices that will effect everything. What power. and I suppose having the "it's just a ride" mentality would help with reinforcing that it is ok to take risks, follow what you really want, make those choices, not go along with the other sheeple and things will most likely end up as they should.

Listen:

Bill Hicks "Point to Life"

Where is this going?

I am not sure what it is that enables me to do things that I tell myself I will not do. Absolutely not do. I don't think it's that I don't believe myself when I say it. Emotions can be joyous and evil.

Most people have that point of time in their life where they don't know what's going on. they don't know anything... they don't know what they want to do with their life, or why they are on this earth. They are confused. Most people have this happen when they are 20-23... I seem to be having mine at 27.

I don't know anything, I'm no longer pretending to. So many of you seem to have your shit together and I'm not sure if you really do, or if you just pretend. Regardless, I'm not pretending anymore. I know absolutely nothing about this life and I'm not going to pretend.

When I think I have it figured out is basically the time I can stop the clock and wait for the proverbial shoe to drop. I know a lot of you may say "If you think that way it will be that way"... well, no. I've been 110% convinced it WON'T be that way, and it always goes back to crap...

What makes you happy? I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. My daughter does, but she's not with me all the time, and it's just me stuck with me. I'm acting out on purpose. I would love to say that I don't care, because that's definitely something I would say. I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT. That's a lie. I totally give a shit. I hate giving a shit. How much easier would it be if I didn't.

The Way Things Are

Unfortunately, life doesn't pause when you need it to. It just keeps on truckin' regardless of how much you may cry, scream, and beg... Sometimes, this leads me to the thought process of how time is evil.
I seem to get stuck in these phases throughout my life, where I wish things would just stand still. A lot of times I want it to stay still because of the things in my life that are so precious... I don't want it to change.
As Kaylin grows, I get that feeling every 6 months or so... where I see how much she's changed, how her baby face is getting to look more and more not so baby-ish... All I can do is take a mental image, write the funny things she says down, and of course try and take as many pics and video as possible... but it's gone. It won't go back, and time does nothing but encourage you to go forward.

Sometimes the encouragement of time doesn't seem very encouraging at all. It can seem like a hard shove instead of a encouraging nudge. These are the times where you want the world to hault, because you know what's about to happen is gonna be a sonofabitch'... so please world just stop for half a second for me? no? okie doke. ...

Weird how you want the same thing to happen for different reasons...
Evil time... please be on my side.

Obviousness

Sometimes you think you have it made... that feeling where every planet seems to perfectly align and you say to yourself... "Self... things are as they should be. Everything is right with the world...finally". You know what though? as soon as you do that, that everything you wished and thought WAS, is no longer... It was really all an illusion in the first place. Sometimes you want something so much that you make it seem it is so. I know. I do these things. I thought I had it ...that "thing" that most people lived their whole lives and never had. never felt. Guess what? Shocker. I was fooling myself. It's not original. it's just like everything else. it's a copy. it's something that already was and it's something that will always be for as long as there are people. I don't know if it's a part of growing up, or if it's a part of me dying. Regardless it is a part, and that's why I'm writing about it. You can't always be perfect. It's a shame that one thing, one thing that you can screw royally up on will define other parts of your life forever. what a shame that is huh? I mean, really? Is that fair? I don't think so. I have this tendency to listen to people and unfortunately if i truly care about them and they say something that makes me less than comfortable, i remember it. Not just remember, but it sticks with me. I wish it didn't. that weight sucks. So much so that throughout the past 8 years I have learned to do something that has caught up with me. I have learned to tune things out to the point of total apathy. I was telling this to a friend the other day... . I was saying that i grow apathetic about others' feelings to the point that when I hear something from a friend or loved one that is completely from left field and could be a devastating factor in their life, I don't feel much. why is that you ask? because i have felt so much in the past that I just have learned to be selfish I guess you could say. It never did me any good in the past. It always was unrecognized. I care, but I don't know how to empathize. Unless there is something in my life, which there are, that hit really close to home, that I can sympathize with a person about... a sick parent, someone who is split up from a spouse, an addict that wants to change but doesn't know how to begin... all close to home here. Like I said. I'm not perfect. thing is, i never will be. But really i just care about my surroundings. I still do what I can for others. I cook meals for friends that don't have time, I send messages to friends in need, I write family members that I've met only two or three times cause I really want to know how they are. I do my best for my family to show that I'm a 'team player', I try to show people that i care about more than my own life that i want to take care of them... i have tried... but that one thing. THAT ONE THING stands in the way. How unfortunate your life can be built around it. Your dad isn't happy with you because you still hang out with people from your teenage years that he never approved of. Your spouse isn't happy because you don't know how to be complacent in your life to overlook that you're going to end up being 64 and upset that you never were truly happy..., your friend isn't happy because you care too much, and when you don't care enough you aren't a friend at all. I think I find someone different... Someone that won't judge, which is something that i feel is important. to have an open mind is a beautiful thing. The world would be better off if everyone had a true open mind. You think your friends don't judge you? Please don't fool yourself. They judge you plenty. Don't get me wrong though. they ACCEPT you... but they judge you. Just like they judge themselves. People call themselves out all the time. Feel what they feel, Do what they do, Call themselves out, and do it anyway. Who are they to judge anyone? who are they to not?