Most people have that point of time in their life where they don't know what's going on. they don't know anything... they don't know what they want to do with their life, or why they are on this earth. They are confused. Most people have this happen when they are 20-23... I seem to be having mine at 27.
I don't know anything, I'm no longer pretending to. So many of you seem to have your shit together and I'm not sure if you really do, or if you just pretend. Regardless, I'm not pretending anymore. I know absolutely nothing about this life and I'm not going to pretend.
When I think I have it figured out is basically the time I can stop the clock and wait for the proverbial shoe to drop. I know a lot of you may say "If you think that way it will be that way"... well, no. I've been 110% convinced it WON'T be that way, and it always goes back to crap...
What makes you happy? I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. My daughter does, but she's not with me all the time, and it's just me stuck with me. I'm acting out on purpose. I would love to say that I don't care, because that's definitely something I would say. I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT. That's a lie. I totally give a shit. I hate giving a shit. How much easier would it be if I didn't.
I am nearly 40. And know what you mean. Be the best mommy you can be. I'm trying. Other than that, I "try" not to give a crap.
ReplyDeleteNot knowing is OK. I find safety in not knowing, and try to apply that whenever it makes sense to. I don't know where I'll be in 6 months, or 6 years...and that's OK. Not knowing only means it can be amazing, or total shit. But of course, this doesn't mean to not try and do things a little better IF (and only if) one feels the need to. I'm not lazy, I know if something comes up that requires me needing to make more money, I will...even if it means a second job.
ReplyDeleteAgain though, this can be applied in other areas. Honestly, I say that I don't believe in God (just because I lean slightly closer to that side of the fence), but really I don't know. I prefer not knowing. Not knowing leaves room for anything/everything....good and bad. Just the way it should be. Some things no one knows, despite anything they might say. I've felt the Holy Ghost, too....it was at a Sonic Youth show, being there with my friends having the time of my life and everything feeling perfect in such a (thankfully...) imperfect world.
You wrote this a while back. Not sure how happy you are/aren't these days, but either way...things get better, then bad, then worse, then great. It is a roller coaster, but a nec. one. To quote Fight Club "I don't want to die without any scars". We learn.