Steady Slipping

This is a poem I ran across that I wrote when I was 19. I remember it vividly, cause I wrote it in my head and I was on my way to my now husband's house and when I got there I ran in and grabbed a pen before I forgot it.

Steady Slipping

Beautiful day.
Fading lights flicker in the distance.
With this long road ahead, I know there's more for my eyes to see.
Feeling blinded, feeling cold, it's all an instant to me.
Nothing ever lasts, nothing stays the way it ought to.
Once it is smooth, it gets bumpy.
Once it is right, it goes wrong.
This is the only consistency to life.
Time slips when you don't want it to.
It's cruel, but not unusual.
You are stuck and have no choice, but you know that.
What a beautiful day.

© Stacey LeAnne Nutt

this is water

i have listened to something that hit home with me. Finally something that REALLY did. what's funny is all these stupid self help cds that i've been told i should listen to... i just haven't. However, i was referred by my boss and very good friend that i should listen to this 2 part speech by David Foster Wallace and it was phenomenal & also only about 20 min. all together. It's all the things that I'm TOO aware of, but don't do anything about. It's a good way to think. It's THE way to think actually. You have a choice, it takes hard work to try and delve away from the default setting that you've had your entire life. I think it's worth it.

so what

Sitting here thinking of what could have been
i know now there was no other way
would i have made that same decision you ask?
most definitely. run not walk.
in my mind, the only way.
couldn't have been avoided.
life is passing...
all the plans and hopes and dreams you had as a child
still swirling in your head, still reminding you
reminding you of the person you thought you'd be
thought you could be
wanted to be.
You giggle thinking about the plans you once had
a lot of them are no more. no more an option
or no more interesting for this person you are in this very instant
you could do better
you could be better
if you want it.



now if i can just put this plan to action.

getting it

As you get older and look back on the things in your life that were always a "staple" of your world, you generally see these things as you did when you were first exposed to them and never go back to think about it. i'm vague. this could be childhood memories, but in this case i'm specifically talking about songs. growing up listening to oldies, lite rock and classic rock, i would sing the lyrics, or at least the hook, but never really tried to get what they were saying. sometimes the lyrics themselves would be vague, but if you're going through a time in your life where those vague lyrics actually fit, it's like an "ah ha!" moment. The songs you've known your whole life that you thought you knew has a whole new meaning. one that actually makes sense. and who knows, one day the new meaning you've found that you know to be true may change again.

This could definitely relate to people as well. think about it. those people you've known your whole life, they aren't the same anymore. but at the time you think things will always be that way. how could it not be? you can't fathom it. you hang out with your friends every day. ride your bikes, go carts, start driving, going to the movies, being crazy wild teens... you don't really think about it being any different. you don't think about it until something happens to make you think about it. whether it be subtle, like seeing a young mom with a kid, or not so subtle, as in you're that young mom who had the kid. whatever it is, just because it wasn't what you thought it would be, doesn't mean it's bad. everyone is ever changing. every day. being more aware of the staples in your life and questioning the things and the people that you automatically assume you know makes you more appreciative, because now you do 'get it'.

time heals as it should

When things get real low you think it'll never change. There are certain points where you just can't see the end of the tunnel. it's overwhelming. The cliche' when people say "time heals everything" makes me so mad when i'm going through something that actually needs time to make things better. But as that time is passing i realize its the only medicine for a sick heart. it doesn't heal it. it's like mono, you always have it, but it's in hibernation mode.

I think about time a lot. How many years til Kaylin's 18, when will i finish my degree, how much longer before i have my own house with a yard so kaylin can go outside by herself, can get a dog, blah blah blah... well none of that matters if you aren't here. i realize it's ok to plan things out, but you can't force them to happen. you can't use all your energy on setting up how things should be when you should be concentrating on the here and now and how you can make yourself and those around you better. better in any way.

I lost a friend this weekend. She taught me that patience really is a virtue. Sit in silence, be quiet, be still, listen to YOU and block out all outside influence. It's difficult to do that. especially for someone like me. she was a confidant and true friend, and way too young to leave this earth. but "it was her time" so 'they' say... that's what people say when someone dies.... it was their time... time. goes so fast even as you are thinking it's going so slow. it can be gone in a blink without warning. it's something to respect.

kaylin told me today that when i'm 102 she'll take care of me. i told her it's a possibility. she said "well yea!!" i can't wait to watch her grow and see how much she's going to learn about this world and the people in it.

Things I've learned as of late, if you surround yourself with your family, with good people, the rest will take care of itself.