Obviousness

Sometimes you think you have it made... that feeling where every planet seems to perfectly align and you say to yourself... "Self... things are as they should be. Everything is right with the world...finally". You know what though? as soon as you do that, that everything you wished and thought WAS, is no longer... It was really all an illusion in the first place. Sometimes you want something so much that you make it seem it is so. I know. I do these things. I thought I had it ...that "thing" that most people lived their whole lives and never had. never felt. Guess what? Shocker. I was fooling myself. It's not original. it's just like everything else. it's a copy. it's something that already was and it's something that will always be for as long as there are people. I don't know if it's a part of growing up, or if it's a part of me dying. Regardless it is a part, and that's why I'm writing about it. You can't always be perfect. It's a shame that one thing, one thing that you can screw royally up on will define other parts of your life forever. what a shame that is huh? I mean, really? Is that fair? I don't think so. I have this tendency to listen to people and unfortunately if i truly care about them and they say something that makes me less than comfortable, i remember it. Not just remember, but it sticks with me. I wish it didn't. that weight sucks. So much so that throughout the past 8 years I have learned to do something that has caught up with me. I have learned to tune things out to the point of total apathy. I was telling this to a friend the other day... . I was saying that i grow apathetic about others' feelings to the point that when I hear something from a friend or loved one that is completely from left field and could be a devastating factor in their life, I don't feel much. why is that you ask? because i have felt so much in the past that I just have learned to be selfish I guess you could say. It never did me any good in the past. It always was unrecognized. I care, but I don't know how to empathize. Unless there is something in my life, which there are, that hit really close to home, that I can sympathize with a person about... a sick parent, someone who is split up from a spouse, an addict that wants to change but doesn't know how to begin... all close to home here. Like I said. I'm not perfect. thing is, i never will be. But really i just care about my surroundings. I still do what I can for others. I cook meals for friends that don't have time, I send messages to friends in need, I write family members that I've met only two or three times cause I really want to know how they are. I do my best for my family to show that I'm a 'team player', I try to show people that i care about more than my own life that i want to take care of them... i have tried... but that one thing. THAT ONE THING stands in the way. How unfortunate your life can be built around it. Your dad isn't happy with you because you still hang out with people from your teenage years that he never approved of. Your spouse isn't happy because you don't know how to be complacent in your life to overlook that you're going to end up being 64 and upset that you never were truly happy..., your friend isn't happy because you care too much, and when you don't care enough you aren't a friend at all. I think I find someone different... Someone that won't judge, which is something that i feel is important. to have an open mind is a beautiful thing. The world would be better off if everyone had a true open mind. You think your friends don't judge you? Please don't fool yourself. They judge you plenty. Don't get me wrong though. they ACCEPT you... but they judge you. Just like they judge themselves. People call themselves out all the time. Feel what they feel, Do what they do, Call themselves out, and do it anyway. Who are they to judge anyone? who are they to not?